FAUX DJ’S

You know them, describing them is like telling you that milk is white and the sky is blue well at the moment its white but still.
Faux DJ’s are known for 3 things, stupid outfits which are knock off originals, name dropping of some D list musician who they are ‘really tight with’ and the dreaded dreads (If Bob Marley knew what he would cause when he popularized dreads I am sure he will have re thought).
The Faux DJ is that random person who gets on the turntable at a good party and ruins the party for everybody.
They are the talentless fools who decided long ago that why bother to understand music or better yet why bother to learn that DJing like all things is an art, instead they bought some CD’s and decided to oppress everybody.
These braindead, deadbeats! Ruin a good night out with electropop!
Don’t get me wrong, with the right mix electropop works, but not when you are in the middle of Omo Oba, getting down to the groove and then some random beep beep beep music comes on, only God’s presence saves the DJ from feeling your size 5’s in a part of their anatomy.
The faux DJ thinks that having 10 CD’s playing in a loop qualifies as the art of DJing and just to make sure your are aware of this, they play them continuously.

Spotting the faux DJ

• They have dreads and carry their CD’s on clear display
• They tell you a hundred times ‘do you know I’m a DJ?’
• They are the first people to get on the turntable when the DJ you paid for goes on a toilet break (based on this, you should always draw up a contract with you DJ that they had better learn to wee and poo in a cup by the desk).
• They do not know how to mix, at all, you could give them the tracks, timing etc and they still don’t get it
• They are tone deaf
• They are always spotting some wack arsed DJ graphic art, just to show how cooooooooooooooool they are!
• A constipated cat on crack stuck in a time zone mixes better than they do.
• If all else fails in your bid to spot a faux DJ just look for the rhythmless fool bopping to some out of sync tune in their head.


Avoiding the faux DJ

• Avoid any party you are told ‘I just asked my friend to DJ at’ you will more than likely get a faux DJ.
• Do not go into any wannabe cool club which has more strobe lighting than comfortable seats and there you will find the worst of the wannabe DJ’s the one someone paid to be there
• Generally fashion shows, events, or any other lame ‘media/fashion’ set up
• Avoid any Z list celebrity wannabe album launch party because nothing says I have no talent more than a faux DJ to further ruin a crap album.
• If you are by chance caught it the midst of a faux DJ me I suggest good old fashioned running o! because there is nothing worse that ending up with a bad back trying to figure out which dance style to use to a rank music mix.