Seeking Equality: If you want me to pick up half the slack at home bring in the same wage

Having returned from the United Kingdom with what my mother calls ‘Oyinbo’ mentality, this idea according to her follows that I don’t think like a 9ja chick, instead I’m trying to imbued Nigeria with ideas I learnt in England.

The impetus for this particular move by my mother was when I commented that I am struck by how Nigerian women view themselves and their role both at home and at work. Don’t get me wrong I am not an advocate for burning bras, (I spend a lot of money buying my bras), but I am very much for equality in and out of the home, and the necessity of seeing work as more than a forum for finding a husband. But it strikes me as unfair that women who work as many hours as men for less pay, ends up also going home to keep house and children?

This is my opinion and prejudice, but if you ask my mother, who takes gains great joy and satisfaction from being a housewife, she would tell you that it’s a woman’s role to look after her husband and home. More importantly, my mother believes that the juggling of home and work should be a source of joy and evidence of the woman’s ability to multitask. On the other hand, if you ask a female Oyinbo returnee they might say ‘fight the power of male misogyny, unchain yourself from the kitchen sink, live for the present and not the past’. The average young Nigerian woman of today on the other hand, might be more inclined to dissuade such talk as it would limit the chances of getting a husband.

What it seems that always presents a problem in Nigeria is that even though men would say that they respect the woman’s role both at home and at work, there is the slight whiff of misogyny in the way men view women. Ultimately most men would rather see women as mothers and whore instead of a whole being. But is this really the case? Do man have such narrow views of women?

To find out this and better understanding of the role of Nigerian women, I decided to ask the only demographic which always seems to be left out of the discussion regarding traditional roles of women, Men.

When discussing women and tradition, men take the brunt of the blame, ‘they subjugated us’, ‘they are keeping us down’, ‘they have made life unbearable because of their demands’, so much blame so little clarification. In a recent discussion with the male of the species, I discovered a few very interesting things, men do not want powerless women in their lives. They see it as ‘too much like hard work’ having to prop up a woman with insecurities and dependence issues. What most of the men I have spoken with say about traditional roles of women is that it is bunkum, that women have always had power.

Women they say are the only ones who know what to do to either annoy or lift their men and family, they are the support mechanism in any home, they determine the mood of the house. Having said this, a lesser percentage determined that they see the woman’s role as that of a wife and mother, and want a woman like their mother.

The traditional ideas of what a woman’s role in Nigeria is, is changing. More women are relying on the familial and paid support they have and are spending more time at work. While many more are delaying having children till they are older, and some think wiser. In extreme cases they are just choosing not to have children or get married or alternately have children and not get married. Whichever role they choose to take, most women will juggle the demands of home and work while many men will decide to go to their club to relax after a hard days work.

Looking back on my life, I have always been very aware of how I see my life progressing. I have had the dreams of wedding, marriage and baby carriage, but as I grow older I have become aware of the strictures this would place on me. As a woman I am aware of the sacrifices I must make for others to be comfortable and happy, but being selfish I believe that until I make myself comfortable others should not expect me to make them comfortable. At the end of the day, what I see the traditional roles of women in Nigeria to be is whatever they want; the only way to keep tradition alive is to perpetuate it. Maybe the answer is in what a male friend of mine told me during a passionate discussion on the issue, ‘if you want equality at home, bring in the same amount of money, and I will pick up half the slack at home’. Unfortunately this has caused the break up of many marriages; after all, the green eyed monster in a man is likely to feel threatened by what he sees as competition in his home.