FAUX COMEDIANS

Before I begin this edition of faux, I feel I have to give a little history lesson.
Now the genesis of comedians, come from Jesters in medieval courts, they were meant to entertain the King to keep him from randomly chopping people’s heads off. Of course if the Jester or Fool as they were also known did not do the job well, their heads were chopped off.

Oh the good old days, when we could just chop off the head of wannabe funny people.

The faux comedian is that random fool who has gotten hold of a microphone and won’t let go, they are the idiots who repeat the jokes that you’ve heard on tv, radio and on stage told by better more talented people who can make you laugh because they not only know how to deliver a line they can also sell the joke.

These wannabe’s are the jobless, no account fools who if they had good sense they would have stayed in their banking job, and probably be earning viable cash and boring people like they should, but no oh! They have to be a comedian!

Spotting the faux comedian

It is nay impossible to spot the faux comedian because most of the times they are wearing suits like normal people, they sometimes even speak like normal people, but here are a few things I have noticed that might help in your bid not to be hemmed up in a corner by some dude who thinks he is the funniest thing since Richard Pryor set himself on fire!

• If the suit is just a tad too shiny, they are a faux comedian. Real comedians realized that the shiny suit went out in 1998 when they were suddenly being picked off by snipers who had just had enough.

• They are the ones who do the sad clown faces so you go up to them and ask are you alright, at this point I have to warn you, you did yourself o!, because this is the impetus for them to fall into ‘a funny thing happened to me on my way here’. It was not funny when it happened, it will never be funny and in all truth it is not funny in retell.

• If you meet a guy/ girl and you happen to like him and s/he tells you he house shares a three bedroom house (not bad we all do at times) with 7 other people!

• If you meet anybody who takes sunglasses frames and makes them into clear glasses frames!

• When you give some joker you number and s/he chooses to share it with their hundred million roommates (at this point I cannot but advise you to teach the idiot some manners, in the way of ‘you MF you thought you were funny let me introduce you to my friends BITCH AND SLAP)

• They are the first person on the mic so they can show you what they did when they were auditioning for the millions of avenue people use to make money off none funny gullible fools.

Avoiding the faux comedian

• Don’t ask anybody how they feel if they have on a shiny suit (for one thing if they look sad it’s because the suit is causing them sweat, kinda like a pig wrapped in foil in a microwave)

• If they say they live with more than 2 roommates in a 3 bedroom flat give them a wide berth

• I’m sorry this is the only advise I have for you, because if you are caught by a faux comedian, there is nothing anybody can do for you. So I suggest if caught be brutal and stop the foolishness in its track.

• I am sorry to say that if by any chance you reject they come back and you explain to them nicely of course that you are getting an injunction that means they cannot come 20 yards near you, will be included in their act, be sure they will want to use you as an example of their none existent wit! Don’t smile, and as I said above introduce them to your little friends BITCH and SLAP! Cus that is the only language they understand!