FAUX STYLISTS

I know I’m not the only person who has seen a bedraggled, ‘fashionista’, swaning along the streets of Lagos looking like something the cat dragged in and didn’t eat, if you as I have had gone on to speak to these fascinating breed, you would be aware of the wonder that is the faux stylist.
The faux stylist believes in fashion over style or class, they believe that why not mix horizontal and vertical stripes, dots and sharp edges, and God forbid that they recognize that different occasions call for different outfits, because that would just be too much information.
Faux stylist inflict their horrendous fashion sense on unsuspecting clients (who to be honest should know how to dress themselves these days) and crow about how ‘in the know’ they are. These fashion victim advisors mostly come in the female of the species, but more and more the men have started to follow this line with similarly awful results.

Spotting the Faux stylist

• Whenever you see somebody who looks as though they have had an accident with a paint truck, a truck of nails and random pieces of fabric you have found a faux stylist.
• Affected, over the top, overly fashion conscious and totally vapid when it comes to issue of style and class again you find a faux stylist
• Any random fashion show where the best they can dig up for couture is bits of twig sewn on Ankara, total faux stylist home
• When a stylist cannot tell you about the new wave in fashion that happened post WW2
• When the only names the stylist knows are, Prada, Gucci, Versace, Calvin Klein, Louis Vuitton, and Tommy Hilfiger.
• When a stylist only knows Chanel for perfume and handbags, but does not know who Coco Chanel is
• When the stylist cannot give you a fashion timeline starting from mutton sleeves and Edwardian/ Regency styles, to 80’s revival with a touch of the New Romantics (I choose not to go earlier cus some people’s minds might explode with TMI).
• When a man wears a bow tie on a tee shirt, I hate to say it, not being a stylist and all that, but, anybody who does that is not cutting edge, they are idiots who obviously do not have a mirror
• When someone walks up to you and has the gall to tell a pear shaped woman to wear leggings with a tight top
• When the so called stylist cannot tell the difference between a pear shape, and apple shape.
• When every colour the stylist talks to you about is ‘electric’ something.

Avoiding the Faux Stylist

It doesn’t take a genius to know a horrendous fashion mistake when they see it, similarly you can literally spot a faux stylist from at list 20km always. Having said that spotting them is one thing, actually avoiding them is another. The faux stylist is the most rabid of the faux entrepreneur, from fox-trotting into any possible fashion, style, media or just plain any party, the faux stylist is a determined breed.

To avoid them:
• Never ever mention even in passing chance that you have no idea what to wear. If you do their x-ray hearing is on the move they will find you
• Do not look to hard at someone wearing a ridiculous ensemble, don’t get me wrong the laws of nature are on your side, but the laws of bad fashion is on theirs and any random look will make them think you are admiring their awful outfit.
• Don’t mention you are in the public eye, this is pretty self explanatory, if you do say so at your peril, I can guarantee that you will turn up at your next event looking like a mixture of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Ghost of Christmas past all put together.