FAUX ACTORS

You don’t have to see a faux actor to know them, the simple reason for this is that you will hear them, because the first words that tends to come out of their mouths, and God knows it’s a big one (mouth that is) is ‘do you know who I am’.

Ummmmmm no I do not know who you are, and if you have to ask that question I am guessing you don’t know who you are either.

The faux actors is that idiot at the top of every line, at the center of any gathering and hanging on to a real actors coat tail asking the ridiculous question above. Their claim to fame is that they were once an insignificant extra in a film or television show with a real actor, but worse than that even as an extra all you saw was their elbow as they tried to shove the other actors out of the way to get more screen time.

Spotting the faux actor

Other than the above there are a few key ways to spot the faux actor

• They are the ones who are wearing fake designer shades….. indoors.
• They start all conversations with, ‘when I was in a film with’
• They tell you their CV before they introduce themselves and it goes something like, ‘Oh so you know (name of real celeb) well I saw you talking to them and I had to come across because you know I worked with them in (insert name of little known and less cared about major flop movie)
• They tell you that they studied mass communication at university and tell you things like…. ‘I love the aesthetic of film’, and when you ask them which era of movie making most inspires them, they are stuck in a farce with their mouths wide open.
• Their movie hero’s are Fifty Cents in Get Rich or Die Trying, Beyonce in Obsessed or better yet Fighting Temptations.
• When you ask them if they know who Sidney Poitier, Wanda Sykes or even Boris Kodjoe or Zoe Saldana are they are stuck between a rock and their phoniness.
• While they know Genevieve Nnaji and Jim Iyke, they don’t know Matt Dadzie or Ego Boyo.
• They always tell you if you look at them for more than one second ‘you must have recognized me from……’.

Avoiding the faux actor

The faux actors are not as plentiful as their other faux compatriots, however they are still plentiful enough that you need to know how to avoid them.

• Do not make the mistake of going to any audition (obvious natural habitat)
• Do not mention that you are affiliated with the media
• Do not ask the one person in the room wearing shades INDOORS what they do
• Do not look at someone vaguely familiar in a media setting/ industry party who is trying too hard to be noticed.
• If they start a conversation with ‘do you know……’, leave, they might just be asking for directions to the toilet, but you don’t want to take the chance that you would have to hear about their theory of dressing like hookers to get a job.
• If someone earnestly tells you they studied Mass Communications and did their NYSC at some unknown production company, run!

If all else fails, and you get stuck with a faux actor, you have 3 options:

• Suddenly develop some debilitating pain/ illness that requires you to go at least 20 yards away from them
• Explain very loudly if necessary that you do not have anything to do with media industry, and instead work as (find an uber boring job that has absolutely nothing to do with the media like a morgue attendant)
• Finally if the above fails reply with ’you know I was casting for my new movie but your incessant talking just turned me off you’!