FAUX MUSICIANS

The faux musicians are not elusive, in fact they are too much on show in any club, studio (tv, radio or music), concert or to be honest random corner in Nigeria. From their over branded fake designer wear, to their wannabe rocking of phone walkmans, faux musicians are a growing breed in Nigeria.

Spotting the faux musician.

To spot a faux musician go to any of the above listed place and casually mention that you either know a real celeb or otherwise have an affiliation to the media industry. I kid you not they will attack you in a bid to give you their everyday at the studio, drop me N5000 and I will produce your CD crap!

Faux musicians are also the people who would take an innocent night of karaoke and turn it into an audition for Idol’s.

I obviously don’t need to tell you, people do not get discovered at karaoke joints unless they are uber talented, which this group do not fall into.

Faux musicians also believe that telling you that their influence are:

• Beyonce,
• Jay Z.
• MI,
• Usher,
• Ciara,
• Asha,

Or any other recent acquisition into the music industry shows them are being cool and deep. Of course if they were either, they would have said that their influences are.......

• NWA
• Beastie Boys
• Lena Horne
• Sam Cooke
• Sinead O Connor
• Tracy Chapman
• Boys to men

To name a few!

Avoiding the faux musician

It is very difficult to avoid any faux for the simple fact that their dogmatic manner is what stops them from realising that the nasal outpouring of ear destroying drivel is actually not music but the rumbling of their stomach as it acid refluxes to get away from them. However, there are a few tips on getting at least a few meters away from them.

• If they come near you, remind them that talent comes from knowing how to sing not just yapping about how they are planning to go into the studio.

• Tell them that you just spotted some uber cool producer downstairs and s/he was looking for the next (insert your real celebrity name here)

• Tell them that there is a new music reality show that they just have to try out for (do not in any way , shape or form let them suspect that you might be associated with it or you will be pestered to death)

• Fake a choking attack, while this might save you for the immediate second be sure that if they spy you within the next 5 mins you will have to listen to their version of I believe I can fly.

• Avoid anybody who chooses to sing the following songs:
• I believe I can fly
• Flying without wings
• Or any other song that involves flying or wings.