NOTHING YOU CAN DO - DEAREST HEART

Dearest Heart,

I don’t know how to begin this letter, it is with both pain and joy that I write because, seeing you, gave me a moment of splendorous pleasure, but the reason for your return caused me debilitating pain.

So much with the big words, you know I only do that when I’m trying to keep my emotions in check and not howl at the moon. It bears repeating though, you came, you apologised, you begged, and it was good to see you, to talk to you, to be reassured by you, but I don’t know if I can forget.

I don’t know if I can forget or even forgive, but I can try because in you I find my Zen, and God know I have had to be forgiven.

I know we were never meant to speak about it again , but I think that is why it was easy for you to believe those things about me, but after 10 years, you should know that they don’t tally anymore.

I was young, foolish, desperate, angry but now I am yours.

The day you found me is one that still resonates in me, the anger, the pain the recriminations still ring in my head and I would never put you through that again.

Ten years ago seems a long time, but it feels somewhat like it was yesterday.

It was our first fight as a couple, we’d been officially going out for 4 months and unofficially for over 5 years. You told me you hated me, you asked how you could ever have considered going out with me, you said you didn’t love me.

I said you were the reason for all the trouble in my life, you were my damnation and that being around you made my flesh crawl.

A few more words, a lot of shouting, slamming doors and I stormed out, into the arms of an ex to do with him something I had only done with you once, in my anger I broke your heart.

Maybe I did not say it enough then but I am sorry.

If that is the reason you imagined me doing as they said then I am very sorry.

I was young, tired, and scared, but like all good things, I grew out of it.

After that fight I remember saying ‘ we will fight, I will break things, I will slam doors, but I will be on the same side of the door that you are, never on the other side. I will not leave an empty space in my bed or my heart for anybody else, there is nothing either of us can do to ruin this relationship because I will not allow it, but you have to promise me to do the same'.

So young, so idealistic, but when I remember my own words then, I think that maybe, just maybe I have forgiven and forgotten. After all the only things in my mind now are the wonderful times I’ve had with you, the laughter, the joy, the caresses, the contentment.

Dearest Heart we cannot ruin this ever, I will not allow it!

With all my love fulfilled by you.