FAUX RAPPERS

Yes I had to go there, the faux rappers are like musicians a plenty on the streets of Nigeria, Not to be mixed up with their musical / rnb wannabe compatriots, these rapping fools are the ones you see with half their pants hanging out the top of their trousers and their flabby tummy hanging over the pants, cus they saw Fifty cents rocking this look. Of course it never occurred to them that Fiddy has an 8 Pack and can afford real Calvins as in opposed to the brown, disgusting manky hell that they call pants.

The faux rappers and their female compatriots (yes the female of the species exists) string together words that have no meaning and in their current incarnation end said words with Nigger, uhuhuh, or the ever popular swagger!

Not realising that in the old days a Nigger was used to describe slaves who had no rights and were believed to be only good for working the field and being raped by the massers.

In addition to this a Nigger is someone that can be guaranteed to have a Nigger moment (Tiger Woods and the white trash porn stars, a male Naija celeb and the beatdown in a church and every one of a particular female Nigerian ‘rapper’s’ songs)
Spotting the faux rapper.

I already gave the key indicator of the faux rapper above the down to the knees trousers and the manky pants but here are a few other key indicators.

• They will be seen hanging out anywhere there is a gig with a legitimate artist

• They feel that by using the word Nigger, swagger and qudi is a true sign that they are rappers

• A faux rapper is the one who uses the fake arse American accent that all true American cringe at and all real Nigerians plead for it to stop you know what I mean (mry nayme is ........ and I’s a rappers mehns!)

• They have no shame and will pester you down the road while dropping their rhymes and as though this was not enough hell on earth

• They try to ingratiate themselves in your life by toasting you via facebook with the same wack lines!

• They rock the lamest of lame ‘diamond’ ok I lie you cannot even call the glass they put around their neck CZ that is how lame it is.

• Sometimes the ‘chain’ around their neck is a sparkly girl belt.

• They think that talking about being gangstar is the same as being gangstar so they all do stupid things to get noticed until the police get them and they start begging. Afterall how long do you think a faux rapper will last in Panti!

• They think that holding on to their belt buckle and making stupid symbols with their hands is the height of fashion and ‘gangstarliciousness’ (totally ripped that out of boondocks).

• They use too much make up, or not enough make up.

• They go and get stupid hair styles in a bid to stand out, instead they are mistaken for chickens. (we are a starving economy after all)

Avoiding the faux rapper

You can’t do it believe me I’ve tried, they are everywhere!

• They are on line in the supermarket, cinema and everywhere you stand for more than two seconds

• They are your security guards, drivers and if you are really unlucky you office colleagues

• They are at the restaurant when you are eating with your DJ friend

• They have such a highly tuned sense of the absurd they can find you in the deepest darkest hole in the world.

To be honest America would find Osama if they told these faux rappers Dr Dre, Kanye or Timbaland is in the Middle East and they need to be found.